There's No Place Like Inside a Dog's Body
by Midge-14
Summary: Trowa's musings throughout 'There's no Place like Home', and he's a tad grumpy about his situation...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hi everyone! This was written by Purdy and it was so funny I just had to post it! If you've read 'There's No Place Like Home' you must read this!

* * *

**There's No Place like Inside a Dog's Body**

An isolated tree stands in a long stretch of field on farm. Near the top is a single Cairn terrier, innocently staring off into space.

**Trowa:** (grumbling) (_Goddammit. Why the hell was I given this role? Of all the damn roles. First that damn clown costume and now this. At least in the clown costume I still got to do super cool flips and then was a double agent w/Oz...)_

Relena suddenly arrives and slumps against the tree, sighing.

**Trowa:**_ Great, guess this is my cue. Better bring out the acting chops. _(inhale) (exhale) (clears throat)

**Trowa:** woof.

Relena looks up, sees dog.

**Relena:** OHMYGOD, PUPPY! XD

**Trowa:**_(Oh great, she's one of _those_ girls)_(sigh)._(I hate my life)_

**Relena:** How did you get up there?

**Trowa:** Woof, woof, woof. (Just come up and get me please. Geez)

**Relena:** How cute! Are you stuck? I'll get you down.

**Trowa:** (rolls eyes)

Relena climbs the tree and takes the dog into her arms. They both look at each other.

**Trowa:** (sigh)_(Boring)_ (sniffs, licks her hand in dog like manner)

**Relena:** What shall we call you then?

**Trowa:** (perks up)_(Yes! If I can just bark out my name as so, maybe I don'thave to be called that stupid name!)_

**Trowa:** Ruff ruff!_(Trowa!)_

**Relena:** (frowns) Nope you'll have to do better than that.

**Trowa:** Rawaruff!_(Trowa!)_

**Relena:** (stares blankly) (shakes head)

**Trowa:**_ROWAFFF! (TROWA, DAMMIT!!! YOU STUPID--) _(Relena suddenly scratches behind his ear) _(o.o Oh, oh my...) _(eyes slowly droop down in pleasure) _(wow...)_

**Relena:** (continues to scratch behind his ears) You're such a cute little thing. Im going to call you Toto.

**Trowa:**_(whimpers in pleasure) (Whatever you say. --.--)_

**Relena:** Do you think Mil...I mean Zechs will let me keep you?

**Trowa:**_(Oh great. Now I'm something to be kept. Im not your--.) _(Relena suddenly hugs him) o.o

(short moment of silence)

**Trowa:**...(looks at her. She looks sad.) _(I guess you're not so bad) _(licks her face. Pause)

**Trowa:** (lick lick lick lick lick)

**Heero, whose reading this off to the side:** O.O

**Relena:** (giggles) (scratches behind his ears again.)

**Trowa:** _(ooh, yes, right there.) _(_sigh_)

~.~.~.~.~.~.

Relenas bedroom. Toto's first night sleeping with her. (Heero, who's still reading, freaking out)

**Toto:**_(Oh, great. Now my names changed.)_

Relena lies in bed with Toto beside her. Shes just gotten back to her room after her encounter with Heero. After their kiss.

Relena is still under the covers, her expression blank. She touches her lips.

**Toto:** (Walks over to her, places paw on her shoulder)

Relena smiles, turns and hugs him.

**Toto:**_(Hmm.)_(nestles into the mattress and sheets. Press paw against mattress to test its comfort)_(Not bad. Not bad at all.) _(nuzzle nuzzle nuzzle nuzzle)

**Heero:** (going into convulsions)

~.~.~.~.~.~.

Zechs has finally allowed Relena to help with chores, specifically with produce delivery.

**Trowa:**_(Thrilling)_

All three are in a cart, making their last delivery. Relena and Toto sit in the back with the last crate.

**Relena:** Isn't this fun, Toto?

**Toto:** --.--_(As fun as you are interesting)_

The cart stops. Both Zechs and Relena get off. An old lady is sitting at the front of the house they have stopped by. Another woman, stern with glasses is also with her. Zechs goes to greet her and her friend. with Relena pulling the cart to the edge. Toto jumps off, padding over to the house.

**Toto:** (sigh)_(I guess its to be expected living on a farm. Its not so bad with it being so peace---HOLY FUCK ITS HER!!!!) O.O_

**Relena:** (looks down at her dog) Toto, what's wrong?

**Toto:** (whines, whimpers whines) _(THAT BITCH IS CRAZY! RUN!)_

**Relena:** ??

**Toto:**_(ARRRGH!)_ (BOLTS)

**Relena:** Toto, wait!

Relena chases Toto into a bar. Soon she finds him behind a piano at the back.

**Toto:** (huddles in the corner, shuddering, whimpering.) o.o

**Heero:** (smirks)

~.~.~.~.~.~.

The woman is Lady Une. She and Relena do not meet until a few days later. Relena and Toto are in their field once again, lazing under the sun when a bicycle approaches them. Une.

Une makes a grab for Relena to get to Toto. Toto jumps and bites her and escapes by bounding up the very same tree. Threatening both Relena and Toto she finally leaves on her bicycle.

Relena walks up to the tree.

**Relena:** She's gone, but it seems like Ill have to climb up there and rescue you again.

**Toto:**_(So much for rescuing. I just the did all the work just now.) _(Jumps gracefully down the tree, and bounces into her arms)

**Relena:** (laughs) So that's how you get up into trees. How come you didn't jump down when I first found you?

**Toto:**_(Because I'm a dog. Whos the one who needs a brain in this dumb story again? Geez.)_

Relena brushes the fur out of his eyes.

**Relena:** Little ruffian. (hugs him, petting him lovingly)

**Toto:** …

**Relena:** I wont let anybody take you away.

**Toto:**_(...thanks)_

**Heero:** (twitch)

~.~.~.~.~.~.

Dinner time. Relena and Toto walk back to the house. Relena freezes when she sees the bicycle. She rushes into the house.

**Toto:**_(What are you doing?! Dont go in there!)_

Noin, Zechs, Une, Heero, Duo, and Wufei are in the dinning room, with the two women at the table.

**Zechs:** Relena, this is Une, shes here to—

**Relena: ** (lifts Toto into her arms) I know why she's here!

**Toto:** _(Oh, my God, then why are we still here?!) _ .

**Une:** We met in the fields Mr. Merquise. The meeting was far from pleasant.

**Zechs:** Relena, I'm shocked.

**Relena:** You don't understand! She's here to take Toto away...

**Toto:**_(Then why aren't we running?!?!?!!!!)_

**Noin:** Miss Une is from an animal agency. I know you found Toto Relena but if he belongs with her...

**Relena:** He belongs here with me!

**Toto:** …

**Une:** Im afraid I must insist Mr. Merquise. This dog is known to be aggressive...

**Toto:**_(HELL NO, I'm not! LET ME AT HER!)_

**Une:** As you see (rolls her sleeve to show where Trowa hit ber)

**Toto:**_ (oops)_o.o;;;

**Zechs:** I'm sorry Relena.

**Toto:** _(What?!? O.O)_

**Relena:** (gently drops him.) _Go!_

**Toto:**_(Finally—yah!)_

**Une:** (Grabs him suddenly before he even reaches the door.) Got you at last.

**Relena:** No!

Une hurries out of the house with Toto and body slams him head first into basket in manner of football player spiking his ball.

**Toto:**_(Dammit, why me?!—HALP!!)_

_**TBC**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N (Purdy):** For anyone reading this, I hope you're enjoying this so far. It's just a little joke piece I thought would be fun for Midge to read. So in any one else is enjoying this, Yays!

Just wanted to make a few things clear and put some minor warnings out there:

Toto/Trowa's thoughts in this fic have absolutely NO real association with what he's actually thinking in the actual fic, "There's no Place like Home." Remember, just a joke.

Midge: O_O I thought it was real...

**Warning:** Some swearing, as you may have noticed from the first chapter. Also, other jokes in later chapters are all just meant for a laugh and hold no judgement/hostility to anyone/anything. However, if I've offended you, please direct all complaints me.

Other than that, I dedicate this fic obviously to Midge 14...

Midge: And boy does she love it ^_^

...and also to anyone else who gets even a giggle out of this. Enjoy.

~.~.~.~.~.~.

A lone bicycle pedals furiously down the road. In the straw basket at the back, the lid lifts slightly to reveal a little brown head with green eyes.

**Toto:**_ (Oh jeez, just call me Toto…I mean Trowa, Trowa!)_

**Toto:** -_-

**Toto:**_ (AH DAMMIT!!) . _

… Tilts his head and pushes forward till he takes the strap holding the lid down into his jaws. Furiously, he chews and tears at the material.

**Toto:** (furiously chews at material)_ (O.O;;;;;;;)_

The material suddenly snaps

**Toto:**_ (Yes!) _(Quietly, he clambers out of the basket as the bicycle continues to pedal quickly down the dusty path. Toto looks down at the rushing road.)_(Now for one of my solid cool landings...) _(Jumps...)

Toto's face smashes into the ground before he tumbles, bounces and rolls to a stop on his back.

**Toto:**_ (Owwwhh... My spiiiine!!!) _

The little dog gets up, turns to watch the bicycle peddle on before bolting in the opposite direction.

~.~.~.~.~.~.

Relena, who has cried herself to sleep, gradually wakes up to a scraping at her window and sits up in fright. She is greeted with a furry face with one gleaming eye staring through the glass. Relena chokes back a cry and bounds to the window, throwing it open. Toto leaps into her arms.

**Relena:** (hugs him in utter relief, disbelief, and happiness) Oh, thank God! You came back! How are you here? Are you a dream?

**Toto:** (looks at her, eyes softening) _(Well...I couldn't just leave you alone...)_ (barks softly and licks her face.)

**Relena:** (giggles) I guess you're pretty good at escaping then. (hugs him close)

**Toto:** O.O! _(Not so tight, still tender!)_(struggles out of her embrace, landing on the bed and burying under the sheets.

**Relena:** (lifts the sheets, looking at him.) You're still frightened?

**Toto:** (low pitch growl) _(Of you? Yes.--.--)_

**Relena:** She's going to come back isn't she?

**Toto:** (low pitch growl) _(...yes)_

Relena turns to her wardrobe and pulls out a light blue checked dress. She undresses.

**Toto:** o.o..._(Well, every job has its perks.)_

Relena finishes dressing, tying her hair in a matching ribbon. Toto emerges from the sheets and she pulls on socks and shoes. She picks him up.

**Relena:** Come on. We've got to go, we're not letting her take you away again. (heads to the window.)

**Toto:** Wuff! _(Right!)...(Hey, wait a second...)_

Relena reopens the window.

**Toto:**_(Didn't the girl in the movie have a basket? With food? And money? And food? And...)_

Relena hoists herself on the sill, carefully climbing on top of the roof.

**Toto:**_(Hey, wait!) Wuff!_

**Relena:** Shh.

**Toto:**_ (Don't 'SHH' me! We need food, woman! And my water bowl. Just...)_

Relena carefully clambers down the roof, climbing down a pipe. She makes a mad dash towards freedom...

And starvation apparently.

**Toto:**_ (Noooooooooooo...!)_

~.~.~.~.~.~.

Hours later, the light of dawn is finally melting into the sky. Relena and Toto quietly tread down the wide, empty path.

**Toto's stomach:** (GROWL.)

**Toto:**_ (...eh, so hungie...you killed us all)T.T_

A sound of a horse comes behind them and they both stop as it approaches. Relena finally sees his face. It is Treize, the man she met at the bar, and an old friend of Zechs.

**Treize:** Relena, what a surprise!

Relena smiles. Toto lifts his head and recognizes him.

**Toto:**_ (Oh, right. You. Food?)_

**Treize:** The sun has barely begun to rise yet you're so far from home.

**Toto:**_ (No shit, Sherlock)_

**Treize:** Where could you possibly be going?

Relena flushes, turn her head away.

**Trieze:** (nods) Ah, I see. You're running away.

**Relena:** (startled) How did you guess?

**Toto:** (rolls eyes) _(Oh, dear God.)_(twitch.)

**Treize:** I recognized the look in your eyes.

**Toto:**_ (uhuh. —.—Listen, if you don't have food, please go away.)_

**Treize:** I warned Zechs not to let you slip away.

**Relena:** Have you ever run away?

**Treize:** It is my belief that a man cannot live with dignity if he spends his life running away from the things he cannot face.

**Toto:**_ (Well, you're not talking to a man, you're talking to a girl, which explains a lot.)_

**Relena:** Oh. (crestfallen)

Silence.

**Treize:** (smiles) I do however, believe that everyone has a journey to make in their lives. One has to search for what defines them. A greater understanding of one's capabilities and strength is the only way to be content with the life you live.

**Relena:** Is that why you travel Mr. Treize?

**Toto:**_(Can we go? I'm bored) _(rolls onto his back) (SIGH)

**Treize:** I travel because I love the Earth. Sometimes we forget that we all shelter together in its great beauty. I only wish other would see it as I do.

**Toto:**_ (Well, that's a change. You'd rather kill people for the 'beauty' of war back in the old days.)_

**Relena:** Toto and I could be travellers like you and see the world!

**Treize:** What exactly do you plan to see?

**Toto:** (rolls back and forth) _(I'm soooo boooorrrred.)_

**Relena:** Why a place where me and Toto could be happy of course! My mother always used to say there was happiness somewhere over the rainbow. I could go there and never have to worry about that horrible is Une coming to take Toto away again!

Treize freezes.

**Treize:** (His expression freezes w/ surprise.) Miss Une?

The wind around them suddenly picks up, blowing at Relena's hair.

**Relena:** Oh yes, she tried to take Toto away and kill him!

Perking up, Toto rolls back on his feet.

**Toto:**_ (Oh, something about me. That's not boring.)_

Treize glances at Toto for a split second, looking serious.

**Toto:**_ (What's your problem?)_

**Treize:** Lady... (Leans down from his horse and lifts Relena's chin, staring into her eyes.) Things are now set in motion but will you be the one?

**Relena:** ...

**Toto:** ...o.O _(Oookaaaay.)_

Treize sits back up, tugging on the reins of his horse sharply, turning it around.

**Treize:** You must excuse me, I have something I must do. Farewell Relena, until we meet again.

The horse rears and gallops off in the direction it came from, Trieze quickly disappearing in the distance. Relena stares after him while Toto's eyes glimmers with some unknown emotion.

**Toto:**_ (Weirdo.)_

Relena and Toto, now in her arms, continue on their way. Relena feels uncertain and apprehensive of her choices now ever since her encounter with Treize but walks on, not wanting to be caught.

A strong breeze suddenly blows past them, ruffling Relena's dress and Toto's fur.

**Toto:**_ (Whoo, it cold) _(He shivers and nuzzles against Relena's body more.) _(There, that's a little better...How did the sky get like that? O.o)_

The once clear morning sky is now saturated with thick grey clouds smothering the sun.

Another wind twice as strong whips against them, making Relena stumble backwards. Suddenly, a dim flash of light shoots through the sky.

**Toto:** (whines) _(I'm not scared, I'm not scared. o.o)_(shaking)

Relena hold Toto closer to her body. Relena starts looking around for shelter against what she assumes is just rough weather. The road she is on is surrounded by fields of wheat. Relena's eyes roams above them trying to find anything for cover when she spots a house in the distance. Her feet make a dash into the long strands of gold towards the house.

A vengeful wind finally sends her and Toto sprawling to the ground. Relena glances at the dark sky.

**Toto:**_ (o.o;;;;;;;;;;;. We're fine, we're fine! Just a little tumble. We're fine! Let's just get back up.)_

Relena stands.

A powerful bolt of lightning and thunder erupts from the sky, shooting in to the ground to her their far left. Relena screams, falling to the ground again hovering over Toto to protecting him.

**Toto:**_ (WAAAIIIIHHH!) _(Shudders, whimpers, wines) _(I'm not scared, I'm not scared...O.O) _(Licks furiously at Relena) O.O;;;;;;; _(Hey, we can't stay here! Get up!)_

Gasping for breath, Relena pulls herself off the ground and again dashes towards the house. A hideous roar sounds behind and she stops. She turns to look.

**Toto:** (growls) _(Oh, great. What now?) _

In the distance, a mass of cloud swirls in the shape of a funnel, powerfully spiralling in the earth. It heading straight for Relena.

It is a twister.

**Toto:** o.o _(...Oh.)_

_**TBC**_

~.~.~.~.~.~.


	3. Chapter 3

Fanfiction dot net (the silly thing has started taking out any mention of URLs too) has recently imposed stricter rules on punctuation so it's useless to post newer chapters of this fic if the expressions are not going to appear right. From now on, further chapters will be posted on my Livejournal or the 1xR community on Livejournal. The link can be found on my profile for the newest chapter. Thanks to all those who have read and enjoyed this fic, I hope you keep on reading.


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